I must tell you this has been the MOST difficult thing to put in words. Evidence of God’s presence drenches this story and I want so badly for you to see just how good He is. So I pray, and pray some more. And even though this story has all the details already in place I’ve revisited this entry more than all of the others. So this morning I leaned into God and asked, “What is my hang up on this?” His answer, “just tell the story”. So I will, and let Him do the rest.
Last April I ordered a book without knowing why.
Kind of the same “without knowing why” that I entered in the notes of my phone the scripture Psalm 112:7 that I referenced in my last post. The title of the book is Flooded: The 5 best decisions to make when life is hard and doubt is rising. (not a paid advertisement…just free because it will always be a part of this story!) At the time, there wasn’t a single thing hard or doubtful even going on. I was preparing to exit teaching after God said “go” so I knew there was a season of change on the horizon, but I wasn’t anticipating anything too difficult. In fact, I was excited about the opportunities that lay in wait. In late May, over a month after I’d ordered the book, I picked it up and realized there was a study that went along with it. Now…if there is one thing you need to know about me it is that I LOVE to study the bible. Like shut the door and stay in for hours researching word meanings, what life was like then and how people really haven’t changed over all these years. Turns out, God initiated that chunk of time between the Prime delivery truck pulling up and me beginning the first day of study. I would need the words of Nikki Koziarz more than I could ever know.
“In the future when your descendants ask their parents, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them…He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the LORD is powerful…” Joshua 4:21-24
There are so many things I deposited deep in my soul from that study last Spring, but one of my favorites was looking for the familiar faithfulness of God every single day and writing it down. Today I felt God prompting me to look back over those entries as he was calling me to remember. While I flipped through the pages of the study book and then my journal, his word and my actions melted together. Without knowing it, I had been placing stones along my walk just as they did in Joshua to memorialize God stopping the flood stage waters of the Jordan so the Israelites could cross on dry ground into the land promised to them. God gave them specific instructions on the stones… where to gather them from and where to leave them. God doesn’t waste words, and so I know there is significance even in gathering rocks. My rocks looked more like paper and notebooks. They weren’t piled up in monument formation, but they were useful for documenting God’s power and faithfulness, and my pen might as well have been in His hand. God was not only teaching me last year just how faithful He is, but also the importance of remembering. He was holding my hand and walking me through a study on Noah all while preparing my heart for a time when I had to believe with everything inside of me in his faithfulness. That He is good even when circumstances may not be.
“…I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19
In mid May when Addie left the optometrist, they sent her out with the name of a neuro ophthalmologist and told her to get in to see him as soon as possible. We called and the soonest availability was in July which clearly was not as soon as possible. Shawn and I decided to call another neurologist to see if we could get in sooner, but I was met with the need for a referral so one phone call led to another. She was seen the next day by her pediatrician, and the referral was put into the system while she and Shawn sat in the exam room. Done deal, right? We would be in within the week because this is her brain people. We don’t mess with brains! That system for the referral was such a mystery to us, like why couldn’t the nurse pick up the phone and simply call to set the appointment up? Why couldn’t that be “the system”? Because I have to tell you the system they had going was not functioning well…or was it and God just had a better plan? When the referral was submitted, the doctor said it would take a couple of days. I managed to wait out the week which means it had been 4 days since we were told it would be a couple of days and it was now Friday so no chance of a call for the next 2 days. We had crawled (this was the pace the world was moving at the time) into the night of graduation with our hearts literally torn between bursting with pride and excitement for her but also teased with apprehension not knowing what the future held. Was the reason for the delay because the news would be devasting and God was allowing us to “enjoy” this time? We wrestled as we prayed for peace in the waiting. A cloud hung over us that was so heavy you could almost touch it. He would make a way, like a stream in the desert…but first there was something that needed to be addressed.
Sometimes God’s process involves stripping us of pride among other things.
I’m going to share a little secret because I feel like I am only as believable as I am relatable. I wasn’t fully trusting God at this point with Addie’s life because I was putting my faith in certain doctors and health systems that I felt were top notch and could be trusted. But God was about to show me just how pride (the doctors I can pick based on what I know are better than those he might lead us to) was an issue. I wasn’t aware, as many times we aren’t, that pride was driving my phone calls initially. I told myself I was trusting him to get her into the right doctors, but I was only calling doctors within one system, the system I deemed to be better based on my own perceptions and judgements.
Shawn had said in the weeks prior to all of this happening that he had prayed a prayer of thanksgiving for all of the people God places in our life before we even know we need their help. One of those sweet souls would come in clutch once God shattered the shell of pride, or at least chipped some of it away. And my stones helped me to remember. I can also look back and realize that the cloud I referred to hanging over us was actually God guiding us just as he had done for the Israelites in the wilderness. I just needed time to see it clearly. His faithfulness, his goodness, his presence…so heavy you could feel it. And as we waited, I continued to place stones, filling my journal with God’s faithfulness as we experienced his power to overcome any system or way of man.
