I’ve mentioned before this story is very difficult to tell. There are so many details that may seem insignificant, but they are all brushstrokes that merge together and create a beautiful portrait of our God. I’ve already thought of some I forgot to mention in previous entries but I’m praying they will be used at just the right time in the future. One piece of this puzzle is understanding that Shawn and I were already walking into a new season and navigating what it looked like to function financially without me working since God had clearly told me “go” and leave my career. A teacher’s salary is not monumental, but definitely creates a deficit when it is no longer available…which is the perfect place for God to show up. When our obedience results in apparent lack we can be sure of His faithfulness. Now, back to the story.
Addie remained super agitated all through the night, but in true Addie form she concealed it well…at least so others couldn’t tell. Even when med students who were slower and not as confident came in the room, she managed to at least keep her words to herself. Her face told another story (if you know her you know this about her), but it was very dimly lit in that ICU room thank goodness. Early the next morning her surgeon and his nurse practitioner came by to visit and explained that after further studying of the MRI they had determined that the root cause was a tectal plate glioma. They explained that it was a thickening in the tectal plate and not actually a tumor, but it caused the aqueduct to close off. Glioma was not a word we wanted to hear, and the expectation that it would grow into a larger problem is super low but it guaranteed a lot of MRI follow ups in our future.
At some point we were moved out of ICU and into a regular room for the rest of the day and then sent home the next day! WHAT?!?! How does one have brain surgery and 2 days later get to go home? I still felt like I was riding along in a bubble on a cloud. We had friends actively loving us by bringing meals, flowers, and baskets of goodies for Addie.
It was such a sweet time of seeing God’s people in action.
The following week held college registration online, including meetings with advisors and a chemistry placement test that was like 80 questions and no accommodations for someone fresh out of brain surgery. There was so much during the next few weeks that made Addie’s recovery difficult and maybe someday I can share more specifically, but let’s just say there was one hurt after the other that contributed to a depression I feel certain was in part rooted in the surgery but also had help along the way. Watching her spiral from fun loving to no motivation was so very hard. Thankfully we had planned for her to join a close friend’s family vacation to the beach at the end of the summer, a getaway she desperately needed and another way we were able to see God’s love and goodness in the midst of walking a very difficult road.
I am a doer, and it’s difficult for me to not be able to help.
Not being able to fix all the things is exactly where God had me take a seat last year. I had to release my white-knuckle grip and let go of the steering wheel, unbuckle and climb completely out of the driver’s seat. It was a season of learning about God’s character. So much of my adult life has been spent making sure I was praying and studying with a focus on how I was supposed to live that I had missed truly getting to know God. He is so much more than just the source of my salvation and director of my steps. I trusted him to lead and guide me, to take care of my family. I knew my eternity was established in heaven and could reference many scriptures about God. But as the heat of last summer rose, I realized I knew all about God but I was only beginning to truly KNOW God. I was knee deep in a study over the first kings in the bible and as I dug through the Old Testament my heart for God began to soar. I cried multiple times to see the love of God and his rescue over and over when His people turned from him and got themselves into messes. My heart broke again and again for my God who raised up his people, blessed them, set them apart and did so much to ensure their safety and success only to be shoved aside for other gods. His faithfulness even when theirs failed pricked my heart. I read chapter after chapter and saw that his character simply will not allow him to be anything other than loving, merciful, gracious, just, and faithful. The people rejected him endlessly but because of his character he remained all of who he is. Who He is. That was my pursuit and my prayer. His character. I needed to understand this so that I could stand firmly on his promises and the words of so many songs…He is good. I know the bible says it, but I wanted to know the God who authored the words.
“Are you sitting down?”
This was the answer to my “hello?” one afternoon early last Fall when my phone rang. Hours after Addie’s surgery the sweetest girl from the business department of the hospital came into her room. She wanted to clarify insurance information. A fun fact…we had no insurance. We had made the decision years ago for several reasons. We could only imagine what this bill was going to look like and had discussed how we could almost see the number climbing with every scan and MRI. Kind of like a mental ticker tape spilling out of an old timey calculator. She explained that we would be given a cash discount that was hefty and yet still left a sizeable portion as our responsibility. Regardless of that number, we absolutely saw the discount as God’s help as we sat thinking (as if it could ever be possible) that God had really just outdone himself with this whole thing. It took the hospital several weeks to get all the final bills together and into our hands. We had already paid the surgeon because he billed separately, and we’d already been to his office for her post-op appointment. God had provided some big jobs that Shawn’s business took on before this story began to unfold and the checks for them had just come in, so he went online to pay the bill. The online system wasn’t working correctly and after trying a couple of tries he decided to call and pay by phone. “Your balance is zero”. I’m sorry, what? She repeated her words to Shawn as he sat speechless trying to utter anything so that she knew someone was still in this conversation with her. There were a few more words exchanged, but I’m just telling you…a debt large enough to purchase a small home was GONE! We couldn’t even talk to each other as we sat crying at the realization that our God had lavished us so profoundly with love. I never expected this when I began my pursuit of getting to know him better and never dreamed my prayers of truly knowing him would be answered in this way.
“For there is one God and one mediator between God and mankind, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all people…” 1 Timothy 2:5-6
This is one of those times I wish we were sitting face to face, because the raw emotion on this side of the screen is very strong and I REALLY want you to know God the way I do. Remembering how we felt last year is part of it, remembering the goodness and love of God yes…but y’all. I’ve struggled so very hard over this entry and the spiritual warfare surrounding it has been INTENSE and kept me from writing. I started this entry 23 days ago but could not get past the first page. Last night I spent a very sweet time working through all of this with some very close friends who circled around me, laid their hands on me and prayed over me. This morning as I sat to write I prayed, as I always do. One word led to another and then God revealed something and made connections as only he can do.
This piece of the story is a reflection of Christ’s love and purpose here on earth, so that we can stand in the presence of God with a huge debt to pay but hear the words “your balance is zero”.
Thank you, God, for this journey and for creating a very real and tangible picture of absolute love. A love that isn’t earned or worked for and one I can do nothing to obtain or diminish. Thank you for sitting me down and taking away my ability to “do” in this season so that I could know this love and in turn share with others. Thank you for this story, my family’s story, that is drenched in your faithfulness and love. Thank you for reminding me of the ransom I could never pay. Remembering has been so good for this soul.
(If you are familiar with the song “Rattle”, it was kind of our anthem song last year. If you aren’t familiar, here is the link. RATTLE! | Official Lyric Video | Elevation Worship – YouTube We created a board to keep in Addie’s room to remind her of what He had done. Her own stones placed to commemorate God’s faithfulness, only it was plastic and fake wood…but you get the idea. I am confident he isn’t finished with our story, and he’s not finished with yours either. Wherever these words find you, whether it is today or you are reading this years after it was written…I have prayed for YOU.)
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