I’ve stared at it for some time now, and when my eyes weren’t fixed directly upon it my periphery view was saturated by it due to its size. And now it has a companion. A box, small in comparison, delivered a few days ago. A box that signifies there are no more excuses and it’s time to shed the worry and wear peace. A box nestled up to a queen-sized mattress we no longer use regularly, and both are symbolic and tangible reminders of this season, of my heart, and the work God is doing in my life. I’ve held on to comparison and allowed it to trample my will to obey for long enough.
“Do not make any gods to be alongside me; do not make for yourself gods of silver or gods of gold.” Exodus 20:23
As I sit and give my thoughts permission to spill out, the mattress tilted slightly up against the freshly painted wall opposite me soaks it all in. For over 3 months, the mattress has been the only other occupant in my office with me aside from my chair and desk, both sweet gifts from my husband. Just so you don’t get the idea of a picturesque tidy workspace disheveled by a random mattress, there are no less than seven books, two bibles, six highlighters, two pens, a recently dusted off laptop and the almost completely used roll of toilet paper that have all taken up residence across the landscape of my desk. The toilet paper roll may seem random, but it has been used daily and sometimes on repeat. Many tears have been soaked by its quilted fibers. Tears born out of complete and utter frustration, but also the revelation of God in this room and in my story. A story that has been anything but easy, and yet God continues to replace the question marks with his faithfulness.
In the box that has taken up temporary residence beside the mattress is a ring light complete with a phone tripod and a remote that syncs up to snap all the pictures. Yep…that’s it. An inexpensive Amazon purchase to put an end to my excuses.
I’ve been delaying obedience.
He’s told me to share my writing but without pictures how could I possibly launch the blog! Photography on any level is not my strong game. I must remind myself from time to time to take pictures, especially of me so that my family will one day have material to work with for a funeral reel. You just can’t throw stock photos in those things and have the same effect! I’ve sought out a few photographers but couldn’t land on what I even wanted in the pictures, but my indecisiveness turned into a plan. The best news in all of this…I don’t have to coordinate outfits, make sure my hair has been freshly colored or worry about my best angle. I will admit, I’ve been worried about all these things and more.
Today as I progressed through the book of Exodus, specifically the end of chapter 20, I realized that mattress may stay here for a while, but that box will lose its home within 24 hours. God had just given his chosen people the Ten Commandments and was teaching them how to live in community with one another by applying his rules and in doing so was very specific about how their altars should be built. Out of the earth. Nothing ornate so that the eye may not be drawn to the builder’s ability or to the altar itself. Enter the ring light. If you are on social media for any length of time you’ll see pictures of all shades of beauty, and as stated in my last entry…I tend to sink if too much of my time is spent there. Especially if I must reconcile putting my own life on display for a large community to browse and compare.
But God whispered to me today, keep their eyes off you and encourage their glance to land on me.
How often are we consumed with what others will think or how we’ll measure up when it’s not ever about us. My thoughts shifted from their opinions of my photos, my home, and my fashion as I held them captive and used scripture as a filter. Do others see Him in my life? Am I loving or am I shrinking because I’m comparing? Am I hanging on to the queen mattress so that guests have a place to sleep or am I discarding in order to set up an Instagram approved office in which I can have pictures taken to please the viewer? Will a following develop by giving the reader what they want, or helping them see what they need? Am I avoiding a calling because I’m worried about man’s approval or am I buying a cheap ring light and making it happen? If I am not careful, I find myself choosing another god just as the Israelites were warned about and trading my Jesus for less.
I am certain this will not be the last time I walk this path of feeling inferior allowing lesser gods to cloud my thoughts because it seems I’m a slow learner, but my burning desire is to please my God in obedience and so I’m lacing up my shoes with His grace and mercy. That ring light will be used without abandon in the days to come and if you ever need a place to stay, I happen to have a cozy queen-sized mattress waiting to give you rest.
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